Dog Wars

Dogs have been all over the local news lately, and apparently the issue is that they're all over the Foothills as well. They're trying to mark their spot on mountain bikes traveling 40 mph, they're leaving doodoo all over the place (which some are arguing is damaging the chemical makeup of the soil, the infertile, rocky soil). Basically, dogs are running free and having fun up on the foothills. And that is why there is a leash proposal that would require owners to enslave themselves and their dogs to one another while walking the Foothills.

As an avid dog-hater, I thought I'd weigh in on this issue, offer some perspective.

First, let me clarify. I am generally a dog-hater. I bide by the wisdom of my father who once told me while I was eating some corn pone, "All dogs are stupid. Some are just stupider than others." If they can tear up your sprinkler lines, they probably will. If they can chase your car, they probably will. If they can go smell the behind of a porcupine, they probably will. If they can chew up your nerf football, they won't pass up the opportunity.

These are general rules, and they form my general opinion. I understand that, as I have been told, there have been some incredibly brilliant dogs throughout history. There were some dogs during WWII that saved the lives of many men. These lasses made Lassie look like a chump and a cheap circus trick. So I have been told, and I don't doubt the stories. It's just that the chances are better that you'll be struck by lighting and attacked by a shark at the same moment before you'll see a dog like that.

Now, I don't like it when they chew my nerf football, but I actually don't mind at all if they chase my car. I mean, if they are stupid enough to chase something that could turn them into a hairy meat pie, let them. Is it going to hurt my feelings if one happens to get its paw a little too close to one of the inside front tires? Uh, no. Is it going to bother me at all, if it does happen, to pull over and go inform the poor unfortunate family that has lost their stupid dog... never mind, I won't be mean.

I'm no Darwinian, but there is something to "Survival of the Fittest" in the animal realm. And when it comes to dogs, I truly believe that humans have propagated the advancement of the population of stupid dogs. Many breeds wouldn't last a second in the wild, and in some instances it is we who have bred them. Our muttation powers, which is usually just the consequence of leaving dogs off of leashes, has produced these car chasers. Pick on something your own size, dum mutt.

Dog lovers hate my passionate disposition, but I beg them to try not to take it personally. For the most part, I just don't like pets. And I understand that some people just love pets. If I do have a pet, it is a pet that requires very little of me. Dogs are too dependent. I'm more of a goldfish kind of guy. You can feed them, if you want, and either way they don't get too noisy about it. If they die, which they do (it seems that for me a goldfish's life span has lasted approximately 2 hours & 20 minutes, and many haven't made the car ride home in the little plastic bag), you can just dispose of them really simply with the flush of a toilet.

Cats are even tolerable. Sure, you have to put food and water in their dish in the morning. The rest of the time they're sleeping, or prowling about. Whatever they're doing, they sure never require you to go along with them. But if you love dogs, you love getting lukewarm slobber up to your elbow when you take the tennis ball out of Spot's jowls, good for you. Cats get hit and killed by cars often, but at least they're out and about doing something useful like eating mice. They certainly don't wait along the road for you to pass by.

Isn't it funny that so many think that dogs are God's most wonderful creatures, yet the worst insult you can hurl is to call someone a dog? And whoever said that dogs are man's best friend was a pretty pathetic person, really.

So, after objectively weighing out the pros and cons of whether or not to require dog owners to leash their dogs on the Foothills, with heavy civil penalties for disobedience to the policy, I would have to say that I am more than willing to give up my civil freedom, and the civil freedom of my dog, for the betterment of nature and for the human population at large.

Leash 'em up!